it's a wonderful life

 

it's not something i speak of. i certainly never have in a public manner. this will be a first. as it's not something i'm proud of. for on that night so many, many years ago, my thoughts and actions deeply hurt people i dearly love. yet for some reason, something far greater than my self is pulling on my heartstrings, asking of me to banish the veil of shame known as silence. and so i humbly share with you, with complete faith and trust, my words will reach a heart in need.

though i tend to be counted among those who people least suspect...i know what it is to feel like george bailey standing on a bridge, foolishly believing this world would be a better place if only i was not in it. only on that night that seems an eternity ago, i did not stand atop a bridge. i stood in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills in my hands. hating the worthless woman staring back at me. surely no gentle man could ever fall in love with this woman. surely no gentle man could faithfully take her hand in marriage while lovingly requesting of her, and gifting to her in return, the promise to never leave eachother's side. surely no special gifts or plans or blessings could possibly be meant to be for her in this lifetime.

i was just nineteen years old the night i stood before that mirror. holding the fragile pieces of my broken heart in my hands for the very first time. i had no map. no course. no book of instructions to tell me how to find all the shattered pieces and put them back together again. no candle. no lantern. no landmark of a previous life experience to serve as a reference point. nothing. absolutely nothing. not one memory of a prior moment in time was available for me to call upon for comfort. the comfort of knowing. the comfort of knowing, someday, i would smile again...laugh again...trust again...love again. live again. the comfort of knowing with all certainty...i was going to survive this wound.

of course, the most important discovery...and the greatest gift...is discovering the intimate knowledge of and immeasurable love for one's self. a knowledge and a love that no one and no thing can touch, or harm, or diminish, or destroy, or take away. still. each year when i watch it's a wonderful life, i am reminded of how immeasurably thankful i am for all of the clarences in my life. i would neither be here today, nor be the woman i am today, were it not for their unconditional love and precious presence in my life. now, the torch is within my hands to pass along, and it is my turn to pay it forward.

for many of us, the holiday season is a joyous time, filled with light and love, family and friends. but for many...many of whom we may least suspect...the holidays bring an overwhelming weight of sadness. it is in the depths of such grief that many find themselves standing on a bridge of despair. contemplating the unfathomable. and irreversible. tangled in a web of perceived separation. looking down upon an illusion of isolation. it is from that fractured place of perspective, sadness seems unbearable and life circumstances appear eternally hopeless.

always, though ever more-so this tender time of the year, let us be aware of those standing upon bridges around us. though we cannot discover for them and instill within them, that which can only be discovered deeply rooted and ever dwelling from within...let us take hold of their hands. like clarence, let us reveal to them and remind them of the very special and unique purpose and existence only they can fulfill in this lifetime...their precious Being which is impossible to separate from all that is. let us assure them that they are not alone. and let us stand beside them until they are brave enough to walk away from their bridges on their own...healthy, and healed, and whole. may we be especially aware of young people who have not yet gained the precious gift, of knowing, that comes through the sweetness of aging and the passing of time. the gift of knowing with absolute certainty, no matter how heartbroken or shattered you may feel...though it may take some time; be it days or weeks or months or years...these seemingly hopeless circumstances are not forever. change is coming. it is on its way to you now. in this very present moment.

though it may not be perfect. though there may be heartbreak and disappointment along the journey. still. it is, indeed, a wonderful life. and Life is good. always.

 

~ janean christine mariani