the ever growing book of totally toadm tales

(true tales from the tapestry of text and life...with an embellishment or two here and there)

 

chapter one: the seaglass hunt

perhaps one day, the most precious tales of truth never told will be shared for all the world to see...for now, the treasures of this day lay safely tucked away...within the chests of the queen of the ordinary summers and the knightess of the ordained seas...two, twins of a different mom.

 

chapter two: crouching driver hidden toadm

folks, you do not want to miss this summer's blockbuster sensation! winner of best picture at, both, cannes and sundance, and sure to be a hit favorite and front runner in this year's oscar race. crouching driver hidden toadm. yes, folks, you won't want to miss a single action packed moment of this stunning documentary film, directed by Life, starring abby tromblee in her film debut as the hidden toadm, and janean christine mariani reprising her role as the crouching driver. tromblee's talents are limitless...so true to her craft, and so immersed in her role, she all but becomes invisible...you see no one! you merely hear tromblee's songs of laughter seemingly coming from the passenger seat of a silver streak. tinsel town's already a-buzz with talk of oscar nods for abby. though some years have passed, mariani hasn't missed a beat of her heart...deeply desiring to preserve the raw and vulnerable integrity of the piece, she performed all her own stunts. that's no precision course driver, folks, mariani's driving in circles was simply flawless. so be sure to check local times and listings. crouching driver hidden toadm is coming soon to a strip mall near you!

 

chapter three: ceramics 101

toadmq: i was thinking about taking a ceramics class to reconnect with my potter roots. would you be up for joining me? no pressure. it's a short six week course on tuesday evenings. let me know what you think.

toadmk: oh my goodness, thank you so much for thinking of me. i feel honored. i would love to join you. count me in. i've never taken a ceramics course of any kind, but i'm sure we'll learn a lot and have a lot of fun.

the first night of ceramics class arrived. toadmq and toadmk listened to the instructor very respectfully and attentively. this first night of the six week session was all about getting to know the clay. becoming comfortable with throwing the clay. becoming familiar with the properties of the clay. becoming one with the clay. with focused determination and oneness with the medium, toadmq and toadmk poised themselves to throw their clay with humble brilliance and great artistry. in totally-toadm-unison they let their slabs of clay fly... [thwak!!!]

toadmq: hey, look...i made a stingray!

toadmk: me too!

the two twins of a different mom laughed joyously and celebrated their...um...blobs of clay!

 

chapter four: vulcan vs toadm

toadmk: hey...if that meeting is not over by 3:33pm...that's cutting in on my socializing agenda!

toadmq: the noive!! [that should be read with a three stooges accent]

toadmk: nyuk! nyuk!! nyuk!!! p.s. so, if larry or curly or moe ever procrastinated...does that mean they were dragging their nyukles?

toadmq: nyuk, nyuk indeed!! or they're just a victim of coicumstance!!!

toadmk: why, they coitainly would be!

toadmq: i think spock [well, all vulcans for that matter] have three stooges dna...which is illogical because they are so logical...but anyway...the vulcan mind meld is just a wrist twist away from the three stooges poke-in-the-eye move!!! live long and prosper...nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!!

toadmk is completely clueless as to the proper form and technique required to execute a vulcan mind meld. a brief field trip is necessary to obtain clarification. toadmk makes the long arduous trek to toadmq's office [all right, i made up that long-arduous-trek-part...i only walked about twenty-four steps down the aisle] where toadmk stands silent in toadmq's doorway, making ridiculous hand gestures and wrist twists. toadmq, who just so happens to be an expert when it comes to vulcan mind melds and all things trekkie, effortlessly strikes a vulcan v-pose with the adept ease of her left hand and places it just below toadmk's eyes, while placing the palm of her right hand on toadmk's forehead. they stand there for a few seconds until toadmq realizes, "oh...wait...there's no right hand". the twins of a different mom laugh joyously, as they realize the genius of their discovery. and so, to avoid getting fired, toadmk turns and skips the twenty-four paces back to her little world to tippy-tap.

toadmk: and now we know...the toadm-mind-meld requires two hands.

toadmq: nyuk, nyuk! ...but it's better than a poke in the eye!! toadm-m-m toadm-m-m toadm-m-m...are you getting anything?

toadmk: yes. yes, i think i'm getting something. yes, it's coming in very clearly now: "...butt a poke in the eye is better than a stick up uranus!"

toadmq: oh my goodness. it's a good thing i'm not wearing eyeliner today.

 

chapter five: myface and spacebook

dearest tq ~ i had just received an email message from a high school friend of mine asking me, "do you facebook"? i was just about to reply to her, "yes, but i'm really lame at it - i joined for my sister, so she could have 'friends' other than her husband's - and i don't log in very often". i had no sooner composed my thoughts when i received an email message from facebook itself, informing me, "dear janean christine mariani - we notice you haven't logged in for a while - connect with your friends". so i did log in to add my former classmate when, low and behold, facebook was kind enough to suggest possible friends for me - just in case i didn't have any of my own - and there was your beautiful face smiling right at me...amidst the myriad other people i don't know but apparently my sister's husband does. now i realize this may come as a shock to you, as it did me, but - evidently we're not friends - so i asked you to be my friend...just in case you didn't know that i was. most sincerely ~ tk

 

chapter six: the differences between a toadmq and a toadmk

toadmq has luxuriously long and wavy hair ~ toadmk has boring flat and marsha-brady-straight hair. toadmq eats meat ~ toadmq does not eat meat...though she does eat certain seafood...and even seafood hurts her heart. toadmq prefers soft light white wines ~ toadmk prefers big bold red wines. toadmq hates tuna and tomatoes...though she does like salsa ~ toadmk likes tuna and tomatoes...and salsa. toadmq is not a people person ~ toadmk is a people person. toadmq likes chocolate ~ toadmk likes vanilla. toadmq likes hot fudge ~ toadmk likes warm caramel. toadmq is obsessed with shopping on qvc ~ toadmk has never purchased anything from qvc. toadmq has really bony wide feet ~ toadmk has really bony narrow feet. toadmq runs marathons and can run extremely long distances while carrying on conversations with her running partner ~ toadmk has absolutely no desire to run a marathon and she has absolutely no desire to carry on a conversation with anyone...including toadmq...while she is running for any length of distance or time.

p.s. a couple items are worthy of note: toadmq does not just like chocolate...toadmq absolutely loves and pretty much obsesses over chocolate...she holds the undisputed title of chocolate's number one fan in every weight division and class ~ also toadmq claims she is not a people person...though this is highly debatable...for she is one of the most precious, kindest, loyal, faithful, and truest of friends anyone could ever hope to find and know in this lifetime.

 

chapter seven: the first annual toadm road trip

santa barbara or bust! toadmq and toadmk sail the silver streak to santa barbara to see diana krall at the santa barbara bowl. in other words. tq and tk see dk at the sb bowl!

 

chapter eight: bating the hook

toadmq and toadmk stand before a particularly striking piece of art in a public gallery.

toadmk: i like this piece a lot.

toadmq: me too. it has a lot of layers and depth.

toadmk: yes. very moving and invokes a lot of emotion. who created this piece?

toadmq: i don't know. [leaning closer to read the title of the piece and the name of the artist] collage by c. bates.

toadmk: c. bates?

toadmq: yeah.

toadmk: isn't that mastur's brother?

toadmq: mastur bates?

it was too late. it could not be taken back. the word was already uttered aloud and gloriously echoing throughout the void of the cavernous hallway. one cannot plan moments such as this. god just blesses them.

 

chapter nine: toto, we're not in kansas anymore - a.k.a. - tq, it's not just tuna and tomatoes anymore

dear tq ~ well. remember that apart from tuna and tomatoes we thought i did not have the i-don't-like-people similarity? well evidently, i do have a bit of a people-disliking-streak within me: yesterday, one of the most unpleasant persons i have ever met in my entire life made a brief appearance. though not brief enough in my people-disliking-opinion. she was quite literally spewing negativity with every word and hobbled step while telling her tales to those who would listen. but not to disappoint my people-disliking-streak, not once did i turn to see or greet or make eye contact with the venomous snake. and while i could hear some individuals expressing in obligatory tones "it's good to see you" and "we miss you" and "come back and visit"...i actually audibly mumbled aloud beneath my breath..."no it's not" and "no i don't" and "oh please don't". so there you have it. and now we know. it's not just tuna and tomatoes anymore. sincerely, ~ tk

 

chapter ten: signs

toadmq: ok, after my run, i rub lotion all over my face...and after my lotion application today, i looked in the mirror and thought, "oh shoot, i got lotion in my hair" and tried to rub it out...only to discover that i did not in fact get lotion in my hair...i just had gray hair! now, there's two signs i'm getting old: 1] i'm getting more gray hair, and 2] my eyesight's going.

toadmk: lol! that is an adorably funny story...however...you are a nutcake. you always look youthful and beautiful, to me, at every age.

toadmq: speaking of adorable and gray, i saw the most adorable gray [so pretty ~ like the color of smoke] bullmastiff on my run today. he was so sweet! i had to stop and ask the lady who was walking him ~ though, he was so huge, it was more like he was walking her ~ if he was a bullmastiff. she said yes, and he bounded over to me...he rubbed his face all over me and almost knocked me down. i love those dogs ~ they are incredibly sweet and incredibly huge. i want one.

toadmk: you should get one. incredibly sweet and incredibly huge sounds like the perfect breed for the ruins creek farm! you need to get one...soon spoon.

toadmq: yes, they would be perfect for the ruins creek farm! they were bred as guard dogs, but they won't bite. they are very protective of their people and are quite intimidating if you don't know anything about them; but even though they look like they could rip your throat out without even thinking about it...they won't bite. when protecting their people, they will knock down an intruder and sit on them until told to get off. they are just big ol' marshmallows!

toadmk: hey, that's a sign my butt's a bullmastiff: it's just a big ol' marshmallow that sits on people until told to get off...only, it's not gray and adorable...it's white and flabby.

 

chapter eleven: what's in a name

as shakespeare so beautifully put to words... what's in a name? a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

toadmq ~ abby ~ queen of the ordianary summers ~ ab ~ qotos ~ tq ~ q ~ queen ~ toadmqvc ~

toadmk ~ janean ~ knightess of the ordained seas ~ nean ~ kotos ~ tk ~ k ~ knightess ~ knean ~

 

chapter twelve: the third commandment

tq: okay, i'm guessing you're the pop chip fairy! there's the salt...but where's the lime? thanks, k, but i don't want to deprive you of your snacks!

tk: i'm so glad you found them! and, nonsense ~ please know, it's a joy to share my sweet n salty treats with you ~ you're always welcome to all that i have... as a matter of fact, today it's actually a blessing to share the remains of the bag with you, as i'm fasting over the course of these next five days [it's always easier for me to fast while steven is away] and eating super duper nutritious dinners in the evenings.

tq: okay, did i read that correctly...you're fasting during the day and eating dinner, right?! 'cause if you're fasting for five days...you're gonna drop!!

tk: oh my goodness, i cannot even fathom fasting for five days! i'd make a terrible spiritual martyr...ghandi and jesus would be so disappointed in me. they'd be like, "janean...dude...seriously. we know all things...including the fact that you're hiding snacks under your robe!" so, yes, i am definitely eating dinner each night...really super duper yummy sushi dinners!

tq: busted by ghandi and jesus ~ boy, you'd be in for it!

tk: i know! i would be so in for it! in fact, it's highly possible that my shenanigans would prompt ghandi, in an irritable moment of hunger, to yell, "jesus christ, janean!" then jesus and i would both look at ghandi, in shock...and jesus would ask, "are you talkin' to me?" then, when ghandi shook his head with a defiant, no...that's when i'd be totally busted and blamed for making ghandi break the third commandment!

 

chapter thirteen: the second annual toadm road trip

cambria or bust! toadmq has officially announced the destination of the second annual toadm road trip. i, toadmk, have never been to cambria...so i am really super duper excited!

 

~ janean christine mariani