the halloween adventures of fifo, lifo, and philbert-pierre

 

once upon a time, in the bright and beautiful [and sometimes economically unstable] land of california, there lived three little pigs who were accountants, named fifo, lifo, and philbert-pierre. they all worked at a wonderful highly acclaimed educational institution in the quaint little seaside fishing village known as [work with me, here...it's a fairy tale, for goodness sake] the faire land of cubies. fifo was always in a hurry; he liked to be the first one in the office every morning and the first one out. lifo was quite the little heartbreaker who kept a full social calendar and always had some cute little piglet on his arm; he liked to be the last one in the office every morning and the first one out. philbert-pierre, on the other hand, was the more sensible of the three; family always came first, he faithfully attended saint thomas a-swine-ness chapel each sunday, kept a balanced work schedule, and tried not to snack between meals.

every morning they would brave the drive in to work along with their neighbors. thankfully, last year, the seven dwarves went in together on a mini-van, so they alone shaved six minutes off of each piggie's commute ~ only six minutes, not seven ~ sleepy is a die hard mountain biker who cycles to work each day, rain or shine, as he claims the ride is invigorating and really wakes him up by the time he reaches the office. but at least once each week, goldie locks would get pulled over in her red ferrari, busted for driving too fast and alone in the carpool lane ~ this, of course, backed everything up due to all the lookie-loohs. but no one, not even goldie locks, risked being late on october 31st...one of the most funderfulest days of celebration of the year...right up there with the precious days of christmas and saint valentine’s day. it was one of only a cloven-hoofull of days that philbert-pierre snacked between meals ~ amidst the witches' brew and pumpkin-shaped cookies, the office goodies were at their chocolatey-caramely-gooey-yummiest...and everyone was invited! well, almost everyone.

it all started a few years back. fifo arrived that special day of celebration before the sun came up. as he was walking across the parking lot, he could sense something big, and scary, and evil was following him. no, it wasn't the big bad wolf ~ that's another story ~ it was the big bad bear market! he was never welcome, but every year without fail, he would try to crash the party, irritated that the bull had received an invitation. too terrified to look back, fifo scampered across the pavement as fast as his little hooves would carry him. he reached for his security badge which would allow him access to the building, safe from harm. but the badge was clipped to him in a very inconvenient place [don't ask me where], and he could not reach the badge recognition device without standing on his tippy toes. fifo fretted and fumbled. he teetered and tottered. he could feel the big bad bear's hot breath on his back and a drop of saliva run down his leg. or was it wee wee? it doesn't matter. the point is, he made it through the door...right by the hair of his chinny chin chin!

the next year, fifo called his brother the night before the festivities. he called him on the pigphone because batman was always hogging up the batphone line with his long distance phone calls. "lifo! lifo! can i commute with you tomorrow? because i clip my badge to my...um...anyway, can i commute with you? 'cause the big bad bear almost ate me before i got to the door last year, and i'm sooooooo scared!" lifo promised to not be late, and the next morning he swung by fifo's house and picked him up. they were half way across the parking lot, already chortling about what confectionery delights henny penny and foxy loxy would be bringing this year, when they could hear him coming. it was the big bad bear again! they squealed and scurried toward the door as quickly as their chubby little legs could carry them. but lifo carried his security badge in his back pocket [don't ask me where a pig has pockets], because he thought it looked cool ~ the chicks ~ and the piglets, really dig it! meanwhile, fifo was still fidgeting to get his badge unclipped from heaven-only-knows where. i don't know which gave first, lifo's pocket or fifo's skin ~ but luckily for them, they made it through the door...right by the hair of their chinny chin chins!

this year, they were taking no chances. so last night, they went over to batman's house, because lifo really wanted to use the batphone ~ he thought it made him appear slimmer and sound more intelligent in mid-conversation. "philbert-pierre! philbert-pierre! can we commute with you tomorrow? because i keep my security badge in my back pocket ~ at least, i think it's my back pocket ~ and dr. phil's been working with fifo about where he keeps his security badge, and last year the big bad bear nearly devoured us before we got to the door, and we're sooooooo scared!" so with one hand holding the phone to his ear, and the other pulling a batch of hot decadent fudge brownies from the oven, philbert-pierre soothingly reassured them that he would be there, first thing in the morning.

and, true to his word, he was there. and, true to form, the big bad bear was awaiting them ~ and, this year, he was exceptionally grumpy, as his cable service had been disconnected, thus he missed emeril's special on decadent fudge brownies on the food network ~ and he really wanted one of those brownies! fifo and lifo shrieked and squeaked toward the door as fast as they could. philbert-pierre quickened his pace, but by no means did he panic. he simply walked at a brisk clip until he met the frantic duo at the door, grabbing and poking and prodding around as usual for their security badges. philbert-pierre, on the other hand, very calmly [and very suavely, too, i might add], raised his hoof ~ his badge was where he always kept it, safely clipped to his wwjd bracelet around his wrist ~ the badge glided swiftly, smoothly, silently, effortlessly toward the recognition device. it was poetry in motion. fifo, lifo, and philbert-pierre were safely through the door in no time, ready to celebrate this special halloween day...and the big bad bear market was left very far behind.

and they all lived happily ever after. the end.

~ janean christine mariani